Feeling the Shift

I started yoga this week. I just survived day 4, and I am quite sure I am doing it wrong. I am a terrible meditator! I practice breathing whenever possible, but I am by no means good at it. So I thought yoga could solve two problems I am struggling with this year. I got off the couch last month. I knew that I was very unhappy with my life. At 37 years old I shouldn’t be this out of shape, this angry, and this lost. I keep asking myself; Who am I? Who do I want to be? How am I going to make my thoughts reality? I can’t even focus on breathing for 10 minutes without switching gears in favor of cleaning or doing dishes….by hand. Still, other days I tune completely out, flip on tv to binge watch anything that offers an escape from reality. I can remember that I used to be happy. I was always happy and I thought that people who had bad moods were weird. Now I am weird, because there is no reason for me to be so blase. I live in a wildlife refuge. I have a husband I am just as infatuated with as I was 12 years ago! I have 2 beautiful, funny, interesting children whom I really enjoy! I may not be rich, but I am not poor either (I have experienced poverty and homelessness) and it no longer affects me. I have to pat myself on the back for my triumphs! Yet, I used to enjoy people, and now I choose to avoid them. I still love people! I just don’t care to get to know them. Most people are more lost in their own bullshit then I am. At least I am 100% sure I have a purpose. I actively practice “do no harm”. I simply have no idea what my purpose is. I am apathetic most of the time. I am wasting my time, and I am sick of it. While I write these words; I am thinking about how hard the past 4 days of yoga have been. How depressed I have been this past year. When I asked the universe for help, I had no idea it would challenge me in the ways it has. First, it opened my eyes to new and exciting possibilities. Then, my perception of everything rumbled so that my very core shook. Finally, it all exploded in grand fashion. My husband thought I went crazy. He still likes to remind me of that fact whenever he is less than happy with me. I don’t know how to begin to “manifest” what I want. I use the word manifest with a bit of sarcasm, because so many people have jumped on the spiritual bandwagon without putting in the work. I takes some of the wonder I had felt four years ago away from it. I guess that’s okay, but now the word sounds false to me. I am really hoping a month of pain and breathing through it will give me some perspective. I mean come on universe!!!! The past decade has been a shit show. If I could jump from a moving vehicle at 60 mph and survive, meet the love of my life, overcome a pain pill addiction with him, and have a complete and terrifying spiritual awakening, there must be some joy to come in my future. For my own blogging purposes I think I need to go back to tell my story though. So maybe next time I’ll write about my van jump, its a shitty story of a stupid, rebellious, and very lucky 16 year old me. It is embarrassing to tell.

Racing the Clock

Have you ever felt like you are on the loosing end of a race against your own timeline? I do. Every. Goddamn. Day. One fateful day I looked up at the sky, and said, “Universe God. (because I was an atheist, and didn’t know what to call god) Please, help me.” I actually said those words out loud. At that point I had become acutely aware of the sky once more. I was spending more and more time watching it wondering if there was a purpose to all of the pain I was experiencing. I most definitely didn’t expect an answer, but it happened. It happened in so many ways. Throughout such a vast expense of time, that sometime I feel like I must have made it all up in my mind. The first response I got was nothing more than a dream. One that stood out enough to keep my attention for many months. It was a dream similar to one I had as a child of five. It was completely different in context, but the emotion was identical. It captivated me and I began looking for answers. Little did I know this was going to be the start of a mental journey back through my life. It was not going to be easy.

After appealing to the universe for help I woke one morning in a state of awe. Have you ever had a dream that was different from all of the rest. One that stands out in brilliant fashion? I knew…correction…I was 100% sure that I was in fact the girl from the dream. Which is weird. It was a fleeting moment. It faded fast. Dont get me wrong I have been other people in dreams before but there was a major distinction between the dreams and this new one. Still, I was left with the knowledge that somewhere I had experienced what the girl in my dream had experienced and yet, it wasn’t me. This girl was from ancient times. Somehow (don’t ask me how) I knew she was important. Which doesn’t add up, because I am nobody!!! It had to be one of the shortest dreams I have ever had but it was crystal clear. Here I am walking along a while walkway. To my left is a wall as tall a mountain. Huge sandstone blocks as large as an office desk stacked on top of one another as far up as you can see. This wall was huge, and I knew that there was a bustling city on the other side of it. My immediate feeling on waking was that it was ancient crete. Yet, that wasn’t right. It was NOT Crete. To my right was the ocean, more like a perfectly blue lagoon. There were palm trees. They were dotted across a small hill leading down to a beach I couldn’t see. Somehow I know it was there. All I was doing was walking along this large sidewalk feeling the ocean breeze and enjoying my solitude, or maybe it was just my moment. I know I was wearing one plain burlap looking sheath dress no straps. Similar to what the little mermaid wears when she washes up on the shore after gaining her legs. The unique part is I had a thick, solid gold necklace on. Similar to what you might imaging the ancient egyptians wearing. Out of this little picture what I remember the most was the feeling…..pure joy.